LOGO : Site title

B efore I had a baby, I had very particular ideas about how I wanted to parent and the things that were important to me. I read a lot and thought a lot about values, health and safety issues and things like manners. I reflected on ways that I had been raised and things I saw friends doing with their children and had a “grab bag” of sorts, of things I wanted to emulate and things I wanted to change.

Home birth

For instance, both Stephen and I really wanted to have a home birth. In preparation, we went with a midwifery clinic and hired a doula, organized power drink ice cubes; I cleaned the bathtub every day and gathered enough blankets and towels to birth triplets. But 7 days after my due date, my labour started and then stopped, and we ended up in the hospital for an induction, epidural and eventual C-section after my water had been broken for 48 hours and there was meconium in the amniotic fluid.

Breastfeeding

I knew I wanted to breastfeed exclusively for a year, as per best practice guidelines from the World Health Organization. But then Baby was born and our first 3 weeks breastfeeding were hell. Junior refused to latch and when he did, it caused my nipples to become bloody crusted scabs from the first day forward. Breast milk or formula? Sometimes the best ideal is having choices.My milk didn’t come in, and when it did, with the help of a lactation consultant, 2 visits to a breastfeeding clinic, multiple daily doses of 2 kinds of herbs, 4 times daily medication, a twice-daily, “steeped for 20 minutes” special herbalist-concocted “lactation tea” and hours of pumping, it still wasn’t enough to feed Junior exclusively. We’ve been supplementing with formula since he was 3 days old. Despite incredible pain and hours of tearful feedings (and that was just me, let alone the baby), we persevered and have made it to the 6-month mark feeding breast milk as well as formula.

Cotton diapers

I also felt strongly about the cotton diaper issue. When asked what kind of gift could be useful as a group gift from a baby shower, I asked for contributions to a cotton diaper service, and gratefully received several months of free diapers from many gracious givers. I was certain that I wanted soft cotton and not unknown, unbreathable material next to my baby’s most delicate parts. And Stephen was very concerned about the impact of disposables on the environment. We set up the diaper service, bought the diaper covers, pail and all-important odour-reducing carbon filter, and were all set to go.

Cotton diapers were great for the first few months...

It was great for the first few months, especially in those first days when you track all outputs to ensure the baby is well hydrated, since cotton diapers show more visibly the fluid; whereas disposable diapers are so absorbent, small amounts of urine are virtually undetectable. But we soon discovered that cotton diapers didn’t fare so well overnight with a few hours of pee in them, and I started using disposable diapers when I went out so that I wouldn’t have to bring home a poopy diaper in a bag.

By the time Baby was a few months old, I was tiring of washing out the diaper cover which ended up poopy with every “number 2” when the cotton diaper wasn’t folded in a way that made making origami mating swans look easy. And now that he’s 6 months, I’ve cancelled our service and will be using disposables exclusively, over my husband’s great objections.

The soother

I vowed my baby would never have a soother. Knowing the controversy over whether or not it harms their mouth development and not liking the idea of having Junior suck on something plastic, I thought we just wouldn’t give him one. But once he hit 6 weeks and our lactation consultant said it wouldn’t interfere with his sucking for food, I was pushing that soother on him like a pot dealer at a grade school playground. Fortunately or unfortunately, he never really took to it, which I guess I hope bodes well for when he hits middle school and his friends want him to try cigarettes. Luckily, he discovered his thumb and mostly sucks that, although I still resort to offering the soother when he’s really cranky and least likely to find his thumb.

The 'family bed'

Before we brought Baby home, Stephen and I both agreed we didn’t want to have a “family bed.” We both have our own sleep issues and had heard horror stories from friends about ending up with kids in the bed who wouldn’t sleep in their own rooms for years. In order to get enough sleep myself, and to preserve one last adult sanctum in the house, I was sure that we would have Junior sleep in his own crib, in his own room from day one. But when the time came, the thought of our tiny baby fending for himself all by his lonesome in the crib that seemed enormous by comparison, I couldn’t do it. In fact, he slept ON me for the first three weeks exclusively, and then graduated to his bassinet next to our bed, then into the bed with me (while Stephen slept on the basement couch), and then finally into his own bed when he became too big for the bassinet at three months. Later, in a last-ditch attempt to get us both an afternoon nap that lasted more than 23 minutes, I even brought Junior into bed with me each afternoon and still do when I need a guaranteed nap of more than half an hour. He usually still wakes after half an hour, but I can quickly nurse him back to sleep and in this way we both doze for up to an hour and a half, but he still goes down in his “big-boy crib” at night.

The best laid plans

Stephen and I have made jokes about our “pre-baby” ideals that went out the window, and sometimes it feels like we’ve given up on every idea we had about how we would parent. Doing both of a thing can be the best and worst of both worlds - I had the inconvenience of leaking breast milk in public but still had to remember to bring bottles out with me, and I’ve learned to live with my guilt over feeding him formula at the same time that my breasts will never be the same again. However, it meant that Stephen was involved in feeding Jack almost from day one, and it gave me a certain degree of freedom to go out for an hour by myself once in a while without worrying that Baby would be starving without me.

I think some of these things have taught me some valuable parenting lessons: firstly, that parenting is full of compromise, and flexibility is key. I think this will become more apparent as time goes on, and we have to deal with parenting issues that we haven’t been able to foresee. And secondly, to make the best possible choice even among options that you don’t like. For instance, even though formula feeding wasn’t what I had wanted, it was important to me to use glass bottles instead of plastic, something I’m glad for now with all the recent scares. And overall, just realize that you do the best you can with the resources you have at the time, and try to be easy on yourself about it.

As long as we don’t waver on our parenting values of love and respect, where Baby was born, exactly what he ate, where he slept and what was on his bum probably won’t matter 20 years from now. Unless of course it makes him sick, but that’s another article.