LOGO : Site title

Breastfeeding. I love it. I hate it. Then I love it again. Then I hate it again. A few friends told me it would be hard. Others told me it would be wonderful. They were all right.

Firstly, I love that I figured it out.

But my body hated the learning curve. It was six weeks before I could face the spray in the shower. One of my nipples was 'inverted' and required extra time with the breast pump to draw it out, causing my baby to favour the other. I had troubles with constipation and had chalked it up to recovery from my c-section, only to realize 10 days in that I was completely dehydrated. I bought one of those 1 litre water bottles and kept filling it up with diluted juice. I drained the whole thing every time I sat down to breastfeed, and that fixed my plumbing over the next two days.

The information I found on breastfeeding was general at best, and even then my baby didn't seem to follow the guidelines I read about. He doesn't 'fall off' the boob when he's done like it says. I pry him off after a timed 15 minutes, each side. He doesn't treat the second boob like "dessert" either, it's more like a whole second dinner.

I love that it's our thing.

But I hate that I end up being in charge of food since I'm the one with the "equipment." Even when my husband graciously offers to feed our baby a bottle of expressed breastmilk, I'm the only one dialed in to when our baby will be hungry again and how much he's likely to eat. I'm also the one who had to pump the milk in that bottle and store it ahead of time, and usually, while the baby's on the bottle, I've got my breast pump back out and going anyway, so my boobs don't literally explode before the next feeding comes.

I love that breastfeeding saves money and time. I don't buy formula. Washing bottles and boiling nipples isn't a daily task for me. Not yet, anyway.

But the money I save on formula may be going directly to groceries to feed my verocious appetite, which I find to be a major pain in the neck. I know everyone has their own kind of relationship with food, but for me, the novelty of eating whatever I wanted lasted only a few weeks of my pregnancy at best, so now I find it a bizarre inconvenience. It also isn't helping me to lose any weight, which breastfeeding is so famous for. A girlfriend of mine who works in women's health told me that your body will always keep a few pounds extra because it needs that to produce breastmilk. I guess that's a small consolation at least.

I love that I'm giving my baby the best start possible for his health. No matter what formula companies advertise, I know that the nutritional properties of breastmilk are second to none.

I hate having really big boobs. I did okay in that department before I got pregnant, but then went up another two bra sizes overnight when my milk came in. It's ridiculous. None of my tops fit, and boy, do I sweat in the warm weather. Shopping for a nursing bra was a mortifying experience. I kept arguing with the sales lady that her suggestions were really not my size, only to have a humbling reality moment in the dressing room when I tried on the ones she brought me and they actually fit. I also can't (or more accurately, won't) go running for exercise. I'm too afraid. To top it off, any bedroom activity between my husband and I generally isn't happening, mostly because I'm way too self conscious.

On the other hand, I love the relaxation I feel when I breastfeed. It's like my own therapy session sometimes, when I have had a really frustrating day or have tried to take on too much. There's some hormone release that causes it, so it's completely physical. I never have trouble falling asleep afterward if I need to.

When I look down and see my son's cheeks go so rosy, it's also pure satisfaction. I love the warmth that we make belly to belly. I never fear that my baby is constipated and watch diapers for 'poop' like some moms of formula-fed babies talk about. I love the brightness and alertness in his eyes.

In all, I know breastfeeding isn't right for everyone but it was certainly the right decision for me. It is a hard and frustrating thing to succeed at for most, I think, especially at a time when being a new mom can be so incredibly overwhelming. I think that recognition for those who persevere with breastfeeding isn't nearly generous enough. There is no manual or book that exists that gives specific, detailed step-by-step instructions or list all the real possible day-to-day scenarios or challenges with suggestions on how to overcome them, so in those early days when it seemed I didn't know anything about anything about caring for a newborn, I was forced to trust my guts about what seemed logical for us, even though sometimes it was against what I had read in a book or been told by an expert.

In the end, it worked out. But saying that breastfeeding is this glorious, simple, almost romantic experience that you see in movies or artwork or read about in the expert books doesn't paint the whole picture. Breastfeeding can be all of those things, and is all those things for me, but there are days when breastfeeding my baby completely sucks, and often one day is bad for a completely different reason than another bad day. I think that should be talked about more.

On those days when I'm really hating it, my husband often says, "Why don't you just quit?" I surprise myself. My response always is a resounding, "Because I don't want to."