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I hear there’s a war happening. Lately, I’ve seen a resurgence in media coverage of the so-called Mommy Wars. In response to a recent announcement that Ontario students will soon have access to full time kindergarten, The Globe and Mail published a piece by Sarah Boesveld on June 23, 2009 (www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/mommy-wars/article1191246) which resurrects this apparent divide.

Boesveld states: The tussle between moms who stay at home to care for their children and moms who head to the office has historically divided women: Stay-at-home moms resented working moms for shipping the children off to daycare in pursuit of the almighty dollar and professional satisfaction. Working moms resented stay-at-home moms for wasting their potential and perpetuating the housewife stereotype.

Writers like Boesveld fall all over themselves to explore this issue, often blaming women themselves for promoting the conflict, because, I guess, women have time in between caring for their families, maintaining relationships and taking care of themselves to feel superior to other women who are struggling to manage a similar series of tasks. Personally I can’t help but suggest that these Mommy Wars are a fiction that serves to separate and isolate women.

Being a mom is hard enough without fighting a war at the same time.

For me, one of the hardest things about being a parent, especially one of a new baby, was avoiding the comparison trap and all its ensuing anxiety. I worried because my friend’s baby could sleep for six hours at a stretch, while mine preferred to wake for feeding every two hours. Another friend’s baby was on a foolproof schedule while I fumbled along, adapting to the current schedule as defined by my baby, and constantly worrying that she’d be better off if only we could time her naps and feedings. Later, it was about which babies were already eating solid food, walking, talking, or sleeping through the night. I was always worried. What was I doing wrong? If Baby A could do those things, why couldn’t mine?

It was months before I could see that parenting is not a competition, and that while in certain situations some babies and moms might appear to be doing “better,” in the big picture we were all succeeding and failing at roughly the same rate. More importantly, I had to realize that the competition would never be over: Which kid is in the best daycare? Who is already able to write her name? Who’s eating the most organic food? So, to save my sanity, I eventually accepted and cherished the value of my own situation. It’s my hope that all parents can do this and avoid the grief caused by this unnecessary insecurity.

I also believe that the competition is created by a desperate wish to do the perfect thing (which is not always the instinctive or natural thing). For instance, I really wanted to love being at home with my daughter full time, but in truth I found it to be very challenging. I missed my job. And while it was easy before she was born to think that I’d stay at home until she went to school, my reality as a stay-at-home mom was an indicator that it was not the ideal life for me.  Thanks to my year “off” I have a deep and abiding respect for stay-at-home parents and early childhood educators because they do the most important job there is. They definitely do it better than I ever could.

The Mommy Wars premise relies on the assumption that all parenting is done by mothers. Clearly this is not true, but, through this suggestion, the media is able to reinforce gender stereotypes while at the same time turning women against one another. What our children need are happy adults who serve as role models because they enjoy their lives. Children do not benefit from a portrayal of their mothers as catty, judgmental and righteous. Mothers do not benefit when isolated from one another because of their parenting choices. And let’s acknowledge that being a mom is hard enough without trying to fight a war at the same time.