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T his past Christmas, my younger daughter Carly announced her intention to do all ‘her’ shopping alone this year … with a friend, of course. Just drop them at the mall, cash in hand—they’d be fine. “Just think, Mom, you can have the whole day to yourself.” Ah, yes! A whole day to ponder my independent, yet surprisingly naïve, young daughter as she navigates the outside world, not to mention the inevitable retail lures, without my maternal shield.

I suppose it’s a hazard of the job, but as parents of young adolescent girls, my husband and I often find ourselves subjected to increasingly inane and questionable TV programs and ads. Having devoted myself religiously during our daughters’ early years to closely monitoring everything that came into our living room, I now find myself helpless against the onslaught of mass media that infiltrates their lives these days. After all, they’ve acquired social lives of their own now, and their peers and the media have begun to exert far more influence over them than we ‘mere parents’ can ever hope to do. It’s time to step aside and see how well our efforts at encouraging independent and critical thinking have fared. Sounds reasonable enough … or at least, so it did at the time.

If only I could shake that nagging uncertainty—that sinking feeling I get when Carly rushes downstairs informing me she’s just won a trip to Disney on the Internet. Or when she tells me with a straight face that we need only send in our names to pick up the tickets for our Caribbean cruise (the one we won for … well, just for being Carly’s parents, of course). So, ok … maybe she’s not quite ready yet.

Which leads to my my first rule of thumb when it comes to dealing with my increasingly independent preteen. As self-reliant as she may appear on the outside, I know I need to continue to play the role of stubborn mom, and set clear rules and guidelines for her behaviour, even (if you can believe it) uttering the dreaded ‘no’ word when necessary. Despite what Carly was seeing on TV, she needed to understand that in the real world, responsibility takes some time to instill … and sad to say, no one gives you a free handout.

In this case, I didn’t want to give Carly an outright "no." I wanted her to feel independent, but at the same time, I needed to ensure her safety in a busy mall without direct adult supervision. I began by calling the friend’s mother. She and I went to great pains to come up with a set of rules that would allow the girls to “do their thing” independently while we hovered nearby. (I should point out that this mother is an expert “mom sleuth,” which entails her furtively following her daughter anytime she is on an excursion alone with friends. She does this in her car or on foot -- sometimes in disguise -- whatever it takes. So you see, I knew I had an ally.)

In the end, the girls were permitted to go off on their own, while the friend’s father and I accomplished some shopping of our own in the same mall. We pre-arranged frequent meeting points and times, and we all carried cell phones in case of emergency or a change of plans.

S econd rule of thumb: Cell phones are absolutely and utterly indispensable when it comes to keeping tabs on roaming teens! I have never regretted the cell phone purchased for Carly’s older sister on her 13th birthday. How parents ever endured Friday and Saturday evenings before cell phones, I cannot imagine! But that’s another article.

With supervision arranged, the only remaining issue I had to resolve with respect to our shopping expedition was money. I suggested Carly make a list and try to stick to it as closely as possible. I also emphasized that an 11-year-old needn’t spend a lot of money to make her close friends, parents and one sibling feel special on Christmas day. To ensure Carly didn’t go outside her pre-set spending limit, I told her I’d give her an agreed-upon amount of cash, which she could combine with the money she’d earned herself doing chores around the house. No debit or credit card! (You’d be surprised how many young people have them.)

Third rule of thumb: Stick to your guns when it comes to money. Decide on what you think is an appropriate amount for your child to spend, and establish a way to ensure she doesn’t go over this amount. Cash is often a good way to do this, as long as you’re comfortable with your child carrying it.

Carly quickly realized that some of the American Eagle, Hollister and Lululemon items she’d planned for her sister would have to go. Instead, she settled on some special hair conditioner she could use when styling her hair, and some homemade jewellery. Nothing wrong with that, I told her! It’s the thought that counts. And fortunately, big sis bought into this as well, when on Christmas morning, she opened her gift with great enthusiasm and thanked Carly wholeheartedly.

In the end, our afternoon at the mall was a great success. Carly came up with some very creative ideas for Christmas gifts, and managed to come home with some money left over. She was responsible about keeping in touch, and she and her friend were always at the designated meeting places at the prearranged times. I feel much more comfortable giving her some freedom now. In fact, I may also give her my shopping list next holiday season—if only I could deal with the holiday rush as efficiently as she did!